Extreme Tactics by a husband

Again a forward stuff...

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tescos Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by oursurveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again.

And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager

Business Strategy

Again a forward stuff...

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked: "What you goanna to do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot -! to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 550 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the CEO of the American Energy Company.

Law of the Jungle

Two guys were hiking through the jungle. They spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast. ne of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike. His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".

Welcome to the corporate world!!!

Some Important Laws which Newton forgot to state...

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold !!!

Do you know this?

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' & 'd' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 0 to 99 (Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 0 to 999 (Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 0 to 999,999,999 (Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

And Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings of entire English Counting !!!

You can post other facts in the comments section...

SMS Thathuvams

சிவகாசிக்கும் நெய்வேலிக்கும் என்ன வித்தியாசம்?

சிவகாசியில காசைக் கரியாக்கிறாங்க! நெய்வேலியில கரியைக் காசாக்கிறாங்க!!!( தலையை சொறிந்து கொன்டே யோசிப்போர் சங்கம் )

ஹிரோ ஹோண்டாலே ஹிரோ மாதிரி போகலாம் - ஆனா யாமஹாவுலே யமன் மாதிரி போக முடியுமா—பைக் ஓட்டும் போது பயங்கரமாக யோசிப்போர் சங்கம்.

இதயம் ஒரு கோவில்...அதனால்தான் சில பெண்கள் இ லவ் யூ சொன்னா செருப்ப கலட்டுராங்க ! ( அதிகமா செருப்படி வாங்கியோர் சங்கம் )

Marriage jokes

* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

* It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives !

* A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.

* Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

* There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage...

* There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

Q: Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
A: It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Q : Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?
A : To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead !

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come!!!

Different Phases of a man:
After engagement - Superman
After Marriage - Gentleman
After 10 years - Watchman
After 20 years - Doberman

How to impress Client

Nice one. Got this as a forward...

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I' m waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Tom," he said.

I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."

Ultimate Truths

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The road to success…….. is always under construction.

If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk..

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. which never works.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****

As soon as you mention something…… if it is good, it is taken…. If it is bad, it happens.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker ……………

Especially for college students
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.